I'm writing this here mainly because I don't want anyone I really know to see, and also because I'm too scared to admit it for real.
I have a serious problem with alcohol.
Not the needing-to-drink-a-pint-of-vodka-first-thing-in-the morning-to-get-through kind of a problem, but a I-can't-control-the-amount-of-booze-I-consume-and-I-can't-stop-behaving-badly kind of a problem.
I drink every day. Not a great deal, at least by my standards, but more than most. It's usually four or five beers a weeknight, several more, plus cocktails, on the weekend. When Liam and I are out together, just us, it's usually OK -- we will have fun, then go home and go to bed. When other people are introduced, or I'm out alone, that's where the problems begin.
Sometimes I feel like a sexual predator. Other times, I feel like prey.
I met up with some old friends of mine for a couple cocktails earlier this week. It ended up with me in a VERY compromising situation with someone I NEVER EVER should have ended up in a compromising situation with. Not to mention the fact that I have a FIANCE.
A few days later, Liam and I went to a party, at which I ended up in ANOTHER compromising situation.
I feel disgusting, like a whore, and worst of all I feel like if I keep doing these sorts of things that I am going to lose Liam and my whole world is going to fall apart.
And it's ALL BECAUSE OF ALCOHOL. Sober, I am a responsible, respectful, nice, caring, kind, hardworking person. I feel lonely sometimes, sure, but don't we all? I have relationship issues, but nothing earth-shattering. I don't know why I drink so much. I don't know why I can't control myself. All I know is that I want to stop and I don't know where to turn to for help. My father was a borderline alcoholic, or maybe he was a full-on one, I don't know. All I know is that in his mid-40s he gave it up, cold turkey, for fear of hurting our family. I have always loved my father, truly and deeply -- and while I remember the hard times during his drinking days, I never viewed him in a negative way, not one day, not once ever. I have heard that alcoholism is genetic....but I still wonder if bingeing every now and then makes me one, or just makes me a person with a drinking problem. Or maybe I'm just overreacting and romanticizing. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like the me I am when I am drinking. She is reckless and stupid, makes bad decisions and breaks hearts. I want her to go away.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
This is a very moving post.
Admitting you have a problem is the first and often hardest step. It's good that you recognize it before thing get worse. Maybe you can look into seeing a counselor so you can deal with the issues that are driving the alcohol problems. And don't feel ashamed of yourself - everyone has problems and everyone does thigs they aren't proud of, but not everyone knows how to admit it. I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
Have you looked into AA? My brother and his wife are both recovering, alcohal and narcotics, it's been a blessing for them and they've managed to create a happy home for themselves and their children with the help of AA's guidance. My very best friend from high school started with AA four months ago and I'm happy to say she is also sober. She got herself into a lot of predicaments and situations, lost both of her children and was floundering...she's doing so much better now.
I hope you can find someone to talk to and get some support in your close circle. It's not easy to overcome. I'm actually leaving my husband in part because of his alcohal problem and he drinks about what you do each day. I'll be thinking of you.
Thinking good thoughts for you.
If you think it is a problem it probably is. (hate to say it)
I would also suggest a councelor or AA (even if you aren't sure if you are an Alcoholic). If you are afraid of it causing problems with your relationship, get help before it does. At least that way if anything happens you can at least have the defense of "I'm getting help" and "I'm working on it" and it will be abvious that you are.
Good luck sweetie, it takes a strong person to admit their faults and a bigger one to try to change them. Your on the right track.
Post a Comment