The Monkey on my Back

I'm writing this here mainly because I don't want anyone I really know to see, and also because I'm too scared to admit it for real.

I have a serious problem with alcohol.

Not the needing-to-drink-a-pint-of-vodka-first-thing-in-the morning-to-get-through kind of a problem, but a I-can't-control-the-amount-of-booze-I-consume-and-I-can't-stop-behaving-badly kind of a problem.

I drink every day. Not a great deal, at least by my standards, but more than most. It's usually four or five beers a weeknight, several more, plus cocktails, on the weekend. When Liam and I are out together, just us, it's usually OK -- we will have fun, then go home and go to bed. When other people are introduced, or I'm out alone, that's where the problems begin.

Sometimes I feel like a sexual predator. Other times, I feel like prey.

I met up with some old friends of mine for a couple cocktails earlier this week. It ended up with me in a VERY compromising situation with someone I NEVER EVER should have ended up in a compromising situation with. Not to mention the fact that I have a FIANCE.

A few days later, Liam and I went to a party, at which I ended up in ANOTHER compromising situation.

I feel disgusting, like a whore, and worst of all I feel like if I keep doing these sorts of things that I am going to lose Liam and my whole world is going to fall apart.

And it's ALL BECAUSE OF ALCOHOL. Sober, I am a responsible, respectful, nice, caring, kind, hardworking person. I feel lonely sometimes, sure, but don't we all? I have relationship issues, but nothing earth-shattering. I don't know why I drink so much. I don't know why I can't control myself. All I know is that I want to stop and I don't know where to turn to for help. My father was a borderline alcoholic, or maybe he was a full-on one, I don't know. All I know is that in his mid-40s he gave it up, cold turkey, for fear of hurting our family. I have always loved my father, truly and deeply -- and while I remember the hard times during his drinking days, I never viewed him in a negative way, not one day, not once ever. I have heard that alcoholism is genetic....but I still wonder if bingeing every now and then makes me one, or just makes me a person with a drinking problem. Or maybe I'm just overreacting and romanticizing. I don't know. All I know is that I don't like the me I am when I am drinking. She is reckless and stupid, makes bad decisions and breaks hearts. I want her to go away.

more menstrual woes

And I forgot to mention the self image issues. I feel so horribly ugly during that time. It doesn't help that I just got back from a 15o mile bike ride that I felt fantastic about -- but then I saw the pictures and all I saw of me was an ugly mess with misaligned teeth and a beer gut. My boyfriend, bless his soul, insists I'm OK...but he didn't help by telling me how attractive he finds lesbians. WTF???????

I'm hoping this will soon pass.

Let me just tell you something. I HATE HAVING MY FREAKING PERIOD. I know this is neither an original nor unique thought, but holy good god damn!!! I have been in a horrifyingly bad funk for the past 2 weeks...culminating with extreme anger over the weekend, and last night, I got to have...dun dun dun...INSOMNIA!!! Oh the joys and the fun! Oh the excitement and the F&#CKing aaaaaaaaaaaaaagony! Last night I went to bed at normal time -- around 10, 10:30. Woke up at midnight to find Liam STILL on the computer (my laptop) with the living room lights burning brightly and if I'm not mistaken, the TV still on. So now I'm awake. He comes to bed AFTER taking a shower. It was HOT and MUGGY as hell last night, my sheets REALLY need to be changed and I do not have air conditioning. Good ol hot and sweaty and freshly hot-showered Liam comes to bed, and ups the temperature by about a thousand degrees. After about 10 minutes I leapt up, yelling "F&CK THIS" and went to the couch, IN TEARS (thanks, menstruation!!! Love ya for that one!). Liam comes out and asks me what's wrong.

Now, dear Constances, at this moment I could have let loose all of the problems my pre-menstrual mind was stirring up --- his share of the bills, his lack of desire to keep the house clean, his constant nitpicking, etc etc etc. BUT I knew that if I did, i would never ever get back to sleep, and we'd end up in a nasty fight.

I did eventually go back to bed, and it was cooler in the bedroom, but Liam had the entire blanket wrapped around his sweaty self, and when I pulled off a corner, it was damp.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo needless to say, I'm gonna be a bit GRUMPY today.... lack of sleep is crap. I hate hot muggy nights, really I do.